so shool starts tomarrow i finished all my shit  here is my final list of this years goals and next years

Goals for ninth grade

1.     Get a tight group of friends+

2.     Make out with a boy+

3.     Keep a b average-

4.     Weigh 140 pounds maximum-

5.     Break the three bad habits-

6.     Get a social life+

7.     Join a sport+

8.     Join a club+

9.     Follow a routine -

10.                        Get over 1000 dollars in my bank-

11.                        Play with Snakey twice a week-

12.                        Don’t give up an karate-

13.                        Advance in learning sign language/

14.                        Keep in touch with camp friends+

15.                        Call relatives and siblings-

16.                        Do all (most) of my homework+

17.                        Be confident/

18.                        Keep my blog/

19.                        Make a lot of friends+

20.                        If you get depressed tell someone even if you don’t know them+

21.                        Stick to the diet-

22.                        Keep my room clean+

23.                        Look into your future-

24.                        Get babysitting jobs+

25.                        Convince mom to get a cat, and then take care of it+

26.                        Get good at trumpet/

27.                        Be bold and risky/

+=yes -=no  /sort of or half

dk came to town so me leah maddy lisa maya and dk all hung out we went from house to house and ended up with me indian belly danceing i had alot of fun hopping around i dident do a lick of work today so tomarrow i will be on top of my shit right now im watching fried green tomatoes fro the first time reminder never submit to avg search any way dk might sleep over tomarrow idk we shall see whan this movie ends its time for sleepy sleep
im glad im belly danced even thought im fat as fuck and a bit over 165 after all the shit i ate.

so here i am 2 16 am sitting stairing at this screan.lately im eather filled with to much raw emotion craveing to feel raw emotion or some gross imbetween.today i screamed i mean i really screamed at this damn homework its so much stress.you cant intimadate questions into making sence. you cant bend them with pure will they are the ultiment stong man to those who dont have the tools to defete them.bet heres the twist if you do know how to beat them its as simple as squishing a bug . but that was my day.in fact my whole week ive just want to cry.cry and let all these feeling out but i cant i dont know how . so in turn i want to drink so i try but i cant handle the taste of muy rum.and then im left with nothing .i fill y time with mindless internet,thinking thoughts that should be avoided like me and nathan summer friendships so on and so forth.so every day i wake up at 12 due to my late night habits and i start over a meaningless boring life with no intention f movie weather its from need to work on apus and just not having the will to step out the door.post camp depersion
friends away depression
no boyfriend depression
nobody loves me depression
so not enought happyness to balence thins the only joy im finding is if i can rave dance or maybe find some decent food in the confines of the death compound.stupid apus this is all your falt
i miss john
but at the same time have i ever not missed john i love that boy
fuck this

i just want some one to love me is that to much to ask just one person to truly love me they wont leave me or be shit me just love me for me and they know who i am it would take time but i want that i just do

here is the paper i drew up while at camp feeling deprest sitting on the courts thinging about my shity life my old pros and cons with nathan.now that we are over i wish i still had someone to call my own but maybe not nathan someone more luke like.but i still love nathan not love but in a friend love i guess wtf do i know my head said it so i wrote it thats how it is in this townso theres the list enjoy

1-15
2-5'4
3-160
4-thing=being intristing /being able to entertain people and keep it intiesting maybe even herd to figure out
5-b36
6-no no plans to
7-not yet but soon talk of weedx has occured with relistic goals
8-i try buy i cant seem to make it down except that one time(the party)
9-yeah
the next to are like porn leval
10-amature
11-vaginas-pubic hair
12-im tryin g coin collecting 
13-what is most important to you
beingloved and being happy thats it just that

ok i cant take this any more what the deal me

2 hours ago


watchu meanhim


...


i just dont know whats happening with us anymore


same


well then i guess were both lost


wanna break up?
and just b friends?


if that what you want i can be happy with that


do u want that?
im gonna b really busy this year


ok but nathan are you sure we can still be friends i really want that for us


course, just like b4, but im taking a lot of classes and ur in marching band so...we good


trust me i know the stress


we can even still have those long txt chats and we might even talk more


yeah i think we may have been closr before we even started dating and we dont know how tis year is gonna go i blame summer for this whole mess in the first place


so we good, no hard feelings


can we try a hang out


yeah, maybe next week


its just
fuck im so conflicted we havent seen each other in like 2 months what if were breaking up for no good reason


idk, we could've seen each other a bunch of times, but then camp, then telling r parents we were doing hw, then actually doing hw


i was just so mad it seemed like you dident care anymore


i did, but thats y we should do this


i mean a relationship is a two person job if one wants out then it ends i think im fine eather way toghather or just friends just as long as we can both be happy ya know but i dont like making rash dessions so unless you are sure this is whats best i fine putting this down for a night and comming back to it tomarrow
inconclusion your call


i think as friends we would b better, not that we weren't good 2gether, but this year were both gonna b more busy. and i think as friends, it will b good, we can even continue 2 b an on and off married couple


so be it
*pops champain*
congrats we're single!


kk aight, its all good, and we r friend
s

8:07pm
corse

we shall see how this goes it sucks that stupid past kate did not post for our entire relationship but ohh well now im talking to cyril who also broke up with his conter part kayla shuster today rip hannah rosenfelder<3 nathan maher levy 
march 8 2013- august 23 2013 let the good times seem better then they were and let me learn from our mistakes

so today i will be eating my first ever twinkie and writing as i do so to capture the experiance

my first twinkie
crinkaly whraper
the stuggle of opening it
smells weirdi cant explain it
first bite time
no cream like lemmony cup cake bottom
bite two
marshmellow fluff mixed with iceing?
cream fels weird on my tounge
nom nom nom nom
its ok
ite 6 the final bite of my first twinkie
its good i mean i wouldent go out and buy them but hey they are good
i dont know if i could have a second but im glad i had one finaly

any way so nathan did ask me out we did a good 3 mounths but one of those months was at camp and we hardly talked so i dont know if we are still going out im waiting for an apolige for his shity lack of caring and ditching a group hang out (it would have been our first time seeing each other in over a mounth
but what do i know i just wait and see i still ike him but he just doesnt care and i dont want that here is waht i said on the group chat

 ok im still pissed for so meny fucking reasons right now so shut the fuck up nathan you had the nerve to plan a whole fucking thing all week blowen up my phone then not even come to god damn event then not even tell your fucking girlfriend then if that wasent bad enough he come on the fucking page like "my parents said i couldent" FUCK THAT AND THEN HE HAS THE NERVE TO USE BITCH ASS HOE!!!!!! YOU WERENT EVEN THERE NORE DID YOU PICK UP THE PHONE THE WHOLE SUMMER TO HEAR THE FUCKING STORY in conclusion FUCK YOU


thats what i said and i ment it looking back he wanted just physical things and i wanted more and hes just a dick just a mean ass hole dick who dident give two fucks about me if he did he would have asked for a deeper meaning he would have cared if we are still togather then i dont know what i would do i dont know if i wnt to be with him anymore. if i did want a boyfriend i want him to really care and just dont think he does i dont think i want a boyfriend but i do want to hook up and stuff nathan sucked at making out too i want to be good at it i want to smoke weed i want to get drunk i want to cry i want to party i want to be smart i want to be loved i want to be happy and i wnt to be loved
i just really want to be loved
the closent i ever felt to being loved was with john and we have never gone out im becoming friends with sarah johns now ex gf but they flirt alott and thus im on light speaking terms with him but i dont think it will ever be the same unless he decides that he cares. i just want to be loved. im in marching band and im in ap history so all next week i will be doing all that we will see .
thats i can handle for now i wish i could cry.
-bdlfg

According to Bruny Nathan is planing on asking me out I'm so exited/ scared/ nervous I have planed the response yeah I'd love to its warm strait forward and yeah that's it the rest it up to you my dear just say the words I want to hear student councle tomarrow maybe ill have a boyfriend by tomarrow

My iPod was taken so herei am on my dads old iPhone no speaker so expect less that's all bitches