today i had a dream that someone i used to be close with died, in the dream they got inot a car accident and i only found out at school the next day. i left and ran to where we used to go and cryed and hugged the only thing i had left of them. all of the memories we shared flashed past and made the  pain worse i woke up and then actually cried.i couldnt tell if it had actually happend but evenif it hadnt the regret and sorrow was overwheling. i think this dream had some truth in it. even though the person is still alive they are lost to me. they severed our connection and left my life and like death i had no choice and no explination. i miss what we had, and i know that your the only one who can change it. only the one dyeing can chose to fight another day.

at some point something in me changed.something big. i dont know if it was long ago and only now it shows or if this is only for sometime but life is draging.im in the same skin only its heavy and crawls.my hair still blond my pride that was always there is weakend.its painful and confusing and i just want to sleep but i cant. not with all the work i have to do. i know where i want to go but i dont want to go there i want to go back and edit. fix and take all the opertunities i had. but im stuck here. there is no worse feeling then hopelessness and sadly i am suffrering.

To live life as if it is a dream, will only lead to the death of expectations and an inevitable nightmare. -M

So fucking high I love Nathan I regret nothing I love dis feel

i hate to say it but when it comes to facebook chats, its best to not have the last word. how lame do you look to always be the last to say good bye. he can say i gtg all he wants thats just a clear sing that the pitiful convo that just went down is done, i dont need to give you a sweet goodbye. face it i just flirted so hard and you wernt gonna have none of it. i guess ill just put a cold seen at 9:35 and you can suck my dick. i really want to be with you but put in your share of the work punk

i tried so hard to make the stupid lighter fluid break so i could put it in the zippo matt gave me but it failed twice looks like im gonna have to b

warning these are the worst parts of myself 

Iwas gonna pracrece in the band room alone but mr Bauer came in I don't like playing in front of people but I guess I'll suck it up

to sum it up the main points included my teachers seem ok im gonna try real hard on the work load for apus and stuff. things between me and nathan seem awkward but judgeing but my slight jelousy and what not of him and sydney in gym im seeing i still have feelings for him. he schted me on facebook after school at like 9 i sliped in i luv you too as if i ment to send it to some one else it was awkward juat as i planend a not so subtle but sneeky way of reminding him of old feelings. no home work yet tomarrow shall be diffrent.i wathc as band eats away my social life i hope i can memorize these songs.all in all it was a good day caroline came over and helped sell marching band swag im up to 4 6 more to go. time for solitare them sleep sorry bout the spelling aint nobody got time to fix dat shit