today i had a dream that someone i used to be close with died, in the dream they got inot a car accident and i only found out at school the next day. i left and ran to where we used to go and cryed and hugged the only thing i had left of them. all of the memories we shared flashed past and made the  pain worse i woke up and then actually cried.i couldnt tell if it had actually happend but evenif it hadnt the regret and sorrow was overwheling. i think this dream had some truth in it. even though the person is still alive they are lost to me. they severed our connection and left my life and like death i had no choice and no explination. i miss what we had, and i know that your the only one who can change it. only the one dyeing can chose to fight another day.

so today i will be eating my first ever twinkie and writing as i do so to capture the experiance

my first twinkie
crinkaly whraper
the stuggle of opening it
smells weirdi cant explain it
first bite time
no cream like lemmony cup cake bottom
bite two
marshmellow fluff mixed with iceing?
cream fels weird on my tounge
nom nom nom nom
its ok
ite 6 the final bite of my first twinkie
its good i mean i wouldent go out and buy them but hey they are good
i dont know if i could have a second but im glad i had one finaly

any way so nathan did ask me out we did a good 3 mounths but one of those months was at camp and we hardly talked so i dont know if we are still going out im waiting for an apolige for his shity lack of caring and ditching a group hang out (it would have been our first time seeing each other in over a mounth
but what do i know i just wait and see i still ike him but he just doesnt care and i dont want that here is waht i said on the group chat

 ok im still pissed for so meny fucking reasons right now so shut the fuck up nathan you had the nerve to plan a whole fucking thing all week blowen up my phone then not even come to god damn event then not even tell your fucking girlfriend then if that wasent bad enough he come on the fucking page like "my parents said i couldent" FUCK THAT AND THEN HE HAS THE NERVE TO USE BITCH ASS HOE!!!!!! YOU WERENT EVEN THERE NORE DID YOU PICK UP THE PHONE THE WHOLE SUMMER TO HEAR THE FUCKING STORY in conclusion FUCK YOU


thats what i said and i ment it looking back he wanted just physical things and i wanted more and hes just a dick just a mean ass hole dick who dident give two fucks about me if he did he would have asked for a deeper meaning he would have cared if we are still togather then i dont know what i would do i dont know if i wnt to be with him anymore. if i did want a boyfriend i want him to really care and just dont think he does i dont think i want a boyfriend but i do want to hook up and stuff nathan sucked at making out too i want to be good at it i want to smoke weed i want to get drunk i want to cry i want to party i want to be smart i want to be loved i want to be happy and i wnt to be loved
i just really want to be loved
the closent i ever felt to being loved was with john and we have never gone out im becoming friends with sarah johns now ex gf but they flirt alott and thus im on light speaking terms with him but i dont think it will ever be the same unless he decides that he cares. i just want to be loved. im in marching band and im in ap history so all next week i will be doing all that we will see .
thats i can handle for now i wish i could cry.
-bdlfg

today at luch i learned that Poppy want to be mad but she cant seem to be mad at me over text she can say all she wants but irl she loves me and she plots for revenge,i hung out with grace all afterschool and learnd some valuble things like she and john had seen each other butt nakind whin john and her played never have i ever but evry question you had to take off clothing this was johns pervey idia i hate him for that but now he is all depressed for some reason and im trying to let him go and become besties with grace at the same time.its clear grace still deeply llikes him.i hope this drama can get sorted out and john just comes clean but honestly there is no ways for it to all wo

other then the lack of post my life was going fine me and john were playing minecraft for hours haveing a great time and me and grace were plaing to have a group of people hang including nathan its would be brat untill and hour ago  graces gose you know what im gonna skype john put hannah and johns call on hhold and flash john my boobs not only that im gonna do it 3 times at that point i was just like fuck you john and earlyer today i missed the stupid ctering thing with poppy so now she must hate me i really thought it was tomarrow she never reminded me.im a bad friend and i have bad friends to make matters worse tomarrow im gonna have to writh this dumb essay,i wish john and grace hadent done it i love john so much it just pains me the 1 st and 2nd time i could keep calm but he started watching a stupid vidio and that i could not take.i just need to calm down but im not forgiving john. if he trys to talk to me im going to ask him to apologize for being an ass and skiping of on his frinds to jack off to grace.and when i see poppy next ill run up and hug her and try to say how sorry i am for missing it i couldent bare to lose my poppy.for the next hour im going  to try and relax and go to bed and keep my mind of things but i know wonce im sitting under the cob=vers today will be my only thought.ohh yeah and it seems like hope for my gettign to black belt by next ear nathen said he would help and sensie seems to think its possible its a long ardous way from purple advanced.